Long line on love afar

Sunkissed spring light flame
Heartbeat's valleyed glowing
Curtained wonders shine

When love is a distant affair, from world's afar.

Some day, let me hold you. Let me keep you safe in my arms, and squeeze me like you want to be squeezed back.                      
And let me make you feel butterflies, and you make me feel butterflies.                
Let's be the modern romance, boy and girl from an ocean apart meet in farflung corners of Earth.      
And they don't know if it will work, but finding out if love at first sight can be true will make it more sweet when it is?

You deserve a thousand poems, a thousand roses, and a thousand kisses.
You deserve butterflies every day -- the sick tingling feeling of new love.
You deserve someone to call you sweetheart, and to call sweetheart.

Rancid Astrophil 17

Star loving ramrodding shit flinging chump
Let murky hate flow expelling all air
And finding not but musk in all things fair
Forget all tact and dump rear end on stump

Pull up a chair as to throw yourself down
Delengthen yourself like omega man
Ripped raw of bong starches baked black and tan
A mocking dickless state's shit warring frown

While madness condenses and all things suck
For Happning meets and meatings greets in sheets
In beds sleeping with nice women strange fuck

Let the world fucking implode in shy beats
Ass beaten raw with tiresome once shrugs
Tiring and retiring midst murder thugs

Rancid Astrophil 14

Raw like the broken hearted canvasser

In his rawlike state of lost obsession

Clawing like Sephiroth in possession

As knowledge's danger-fuelled brasser

Take up the brass shield of adamant steel

And fling wooden splinters of anger's coined

The dangerous faggot twin trolls conjoined

If slivering silver tongues wonton feel

Word salad word salad forgotten rules

Your open wounded mind cajoles faint fools

Piquing interests as bullet piques life

Guns win wars and words win delight in strife

Power comes from the barrel of a gun

And phallic nonsense's of race be run 

Rancid Astrophil 11

Whisked away when to 苏州 I did find
That she had fleeting interest in me
I would be jilted never loving me
Slying window prying masterless mind

I looking not on the cabinet hutch
Had perhaps missed genteel man's opportune
Moment when in silver spied copper moon
I paid in dutch, and left it so, and such

Perhaps then 苏州 is not for me one
To take to task lonely lullaby fun
Once and for all I would have known nothing
Except that I know not which I don't know

Know thyself -- always the maximum words
And yet they never seem to hit home quite

Rancid Astrophil 10

Marks my demeanor with spring time season
And oh -- what a spring time season it's been
Thoroughly my dating apps full of win
Curiousness then exciting reason

Befell me with unexpected surmise
A fire in one's eye, so did I swipe right
Her cuteness prevailed, and matched my delight
When a tinder flame turned tinder surprise

A match made rematch, to match make a friend
A blind date perspective excited me
It might go, quite well, or oh so badly
Curiousness won, and so to surrend

Any disbelief made by my own mind
Whisked away when to 苏州 I did find

Rancid Astrophil 9

But he knows it won't be like yesterday
Which is the name of a poem he wrote
A rhyme of memory rote wills to float
In her somberness of ways and the way

Sweet 苏州 lost from my grasp to fancy
Electric her so presence makes me feel
Spiritless in divinity's eyes, steel
No holds barred in love's lost necromancy

I know her not, but she is not least known
To my world's liaison is fancy thrown
Cross windswept alleys in spiteful treason
O'er valleys of delightfulest reason

Adjectival neologism's bone
Marks my demeanor with spring time season

Rancid Astophil 8

My 苏州 sweetheart responded to me

Each slight vibration poured with excitement

Followed by a dispairing inditement

I scrambled to pick up the phone with glee

What craziness is overcoming me

When these last few weeks pleasure's lust I knew

Meeting kissing and cuddling a few

I am now shadow of former glory

I met somebody I like I suppose

For whom which I cannot now predispose

Feeling like I'm twenty yet this today

A sad confused young adult meets a girl

He cannot presuppose what will unfurl

But he knows it won't be like yesterday

Rancid Astrophil 7

That god damned waiting game -- kills every time
To sit by the phone, waiting for that text
When despite tearless heart's aorta flexed
My own self-worth was quartered for a dime

And the testing days of uneasy rest
Came to a close after many lost hours
And thoughts of thoughts without female powers
To mend my bleeding heart with nestling nest

Shove up the day you ridiculous whiny baby
Forget all these pathetic things
Forget that you have no tooth or nail
To claw bites at serpentine servant's sweet tongue

 Kill the feelings of respite
And follow the bear into the night

Rancid Astrophil 5

When the robin in my eye had stood
A loaded gun -- looking, hearing, feeling
She flew away but I flew first, kneeling
Needing only that one finest for good

How than I had stood so far chained in yoke
Reined into me -- I never know least known
Upon my dew dropped glowing valley thrown
Visage -- Venusian than Vesuvian spoke

Said she 'pon I -- never had I known one so...
Quite like you -- familiar tones I hear
From other fails of lust droning, on go

And in so much had I but daring, dear
To look once at the face of my angel
Never known, never known, I but never knew her

Rancid Astrophil 4

I just threw a memento in the trash
One of those "I love you" journals
Half filled memories of haberdash
Circumstantial wherewithal

I love her not; no longer at all
Says broken hearted I, with thoughts of lash
To remain cool through an out fall
Expecting too much from minds of rash

Have another drink, princess
Next weekend you'll do it once more
Asking me to chauffeur you from your tinder date

Who, after all, wants life without awkwardness
For then you would be a bore
But not for your angry desires to sate

Rancid Astrophil 1

Bitter, rancid Noxious heart

This day doth dream a better start

Poor man's bluff makes truer volley

Of a man's rough choices foley

Decisions made never least true

Paid for later with trembling few

Mightiest a few societally unbound

In the cult of perfection I so drowned

Having once heard I carry you in my heart

I never looked twice at my failed start

Dating apps fill a void so I am defined

Pleasure in tinder meetings oh refined

But a dark dream throws me askew

A nightmarish though of romance anew.

waking from a bad dream

I let the day get away,

Unrequited desire,

Lost for a shotgun marriage of hearts

我想要靠近她

我希望。。。

I let sweet love's lost

Lust away,

Thinking throughout time

To a thought's last spark.

Always thinking,

Always trying to forget.

She was there.

我想。。。

Too late, 

too god damned fucking late

Awake from 7 AM's

Nightmare slumbers.

About she who never was

I don't know if she ever will be.

But I hope.

I am rattled.

Disraught. Totally disheveled.

What do I do?

Our Pictures

We still live together, and even share the same bed. We're in that awkward phase where we are still co-dependent for the time being. Wounds are fresh, and thoughtful tears are intermittent.

It's not going to work out between us, and it breaks my heart to admit it.

The possibility of patching things up is there (or was there), and as difficult as it is, when I look at our photos, or photos of you, and see all the things that I want in my life, I have to ask myself the question "is it worth it?" Although, I don't WANT to feel like I'm closing a chapter in a book, but rather, that our story is worth continuing, the answer to that question seems to be a hesitant "no." In all my heart, you are the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And when I look at your face, my blurred vision reminds me that that is what I want. I don't ever want to stop seeing your face that way -- I don't ever want to stop looking at you, and seeing things that other people can't see. Five years with you was a lottery of happiness that has forever changed me as a person -- even through the hard times; and there have been many hard times of late.

I want to stand from tabletops, roofs, and mountains, and cry out "I love you!" But what would it accomplish? Three more months of trying, and failing? Or perhaps three more years?

Five years... it's been five years, that have gone by far too quickly. My own parents, dated, married, had children and separated in less time than we have been living together as a couple. My dad, was scarred so profoundly, in a way that seems to have affected him for life, while my mom was also affected negatively in her own way by the separation. I know that I can be resilient, through these times, and do what needs to be done. Even if it is so difficult to see something that I want more than anything, so close within reach, and know that it's not worth it. We would never be able to work out our differences, and in and of itself that makes me feel great sadness... considering how close we have been these past five years.

I don't know what happens next, but I know that the grown up thing to do is to hold no animosity over what was lost, and to leave things on as positive a note as possible. I don't want the pictures we've taken together to be marred, or disfigured by negative feelings. I want to be able to look at them, and I want to feel like it's okay for me to cry, without resenting what is gone from my life.

I nub you bao bao. I hope that a part of me will always love you. Now, when I see your pictures, and the stream of salty tears meets my lips, I know that what we had -- what we have -- is a very rare thing for anybody to experience. However, it's time for us to stop making pictures together. It's time for us to start new.