Rancid Astrophil 16

Three would be lovers who never were mine
The sweet mother I never met at all
Moon ghost who vanished leaving me to fall
Had not opportuned me to wine and dine

And of course that 苏州 most darling sweet
Of them I never did meet the first chance
When amour I gained at but a first glance
These three were all but a fleeting eye's treat

I am fortunate 'nuff as Stan Lee said
To have looks and smarts and cleverest head
But knowing enough to know what's not fine
And seeing that I'm lost in what is mine

Always in the back of my mind is there
The idea of a future not fair

Rancid Astrophil 15

The snivelling form of Richard the king
Hobbled in the corner like vile creature
Sad Gollum petting his precious feature
Sickly disfigured nature's treason thing

The rancid star lover with the ram's head
Fapping to many a forlorn lover
The wonder of new lust to discover
And the wits of his own nature fed

Then stamp out the light of those bloody spots
Forgetting youthful years of loving fucks
Forgotten in youths tearful tainted cucks
We instead light the match anew with plots

Get on with it be ghost or be ghosted
And throw away feelings at once hosted

Rancid Astrophil 14

Raw like the broken hearted canvasser

In his rawlike state of lost obsession

Clawing like Sephiroth in possession

As knowledge's danger-fuelled brasser

Take up the brass shield of adamant steel

And fling wooden splinters of anger's coined

The dangerous faggot twin trolls conjoined

If slivering silver tongues wonton feel

Word salad word salad forgotten rules

Your open wounded mind cajoles faint fools

Piquing interests as bullet piques life

Guns win wars and words win delight in strife

Power comes from the barrel of a gun

And phallic nonsense's of race be run 

Rancid Astrophil 13

And so my new direction begins here
With broken crown but memory's distant
Glance -- enjambed poet with mind so infant
The post post modern me sheds all his fear

Where the tiger failed the ram will not wait
Disposed of starlike wonder and thunder
Blasting starlight's flung vigour asunder
Run headfirst into hungered desire's sate

Ramrod this god damned fallacy of shit
Pound it till its new as a tarnished sail
Upon open winds and on grounded tail
Upon mounted arms and arms' last holy grail
Let loose passions and wars fear not to fail
Be the Whitman pill that Pound's eye did spit

Rancid Astrophil 12

And yet they never seem to hit home quite
These relics of a foregone conclusion
The sonneteer's last mindless diffusion
Do carry not respot's only first respite

Love poetry's only words dance on paint
When there is no page but foul odours pounce
On blogspot we write but shoot for an ounce
Of Celtic spirit ouisce beatha saint

To look upon that fair rancid Stella
Feeling noxious in sight of fair bella
Let go the dogs of war and loose your heart
Dream not young faggot of lovers' failed start 

Broken crown not the knot of destiny
My 苏州 sweetheart responded to me....

Rancid Astrophil 11

Whisked away when to 苏州 I did find
That she had fleeting interest in me
I would be jilted never loving me
Slying window prying masterless mind

I looking not on the cabinet hutch
Had perhaps missed genteel man's opportune
Moment when in silver spied copper moon
I paid in dutch, and left it so, and such

Perhaps then 苏州 is not for me one
To take to task lonely lullaby fun
Once and for all I would have known nothing
Except that I know not which I don't know

Know thyself -- always the maximum words
And yet they never seem to hit home quite

Wasted Fortune

My father is a spoiled rotten child
Collecting pogey and parental support
Two homes paid for
And over a dozen cars;
Three written off
License ceased in DUI

"Honour your father and mother."

One sign of many -- biblical bullshits
Failed axioms mantras and maxims
From a book written long ago
By the nobodies of the Earth

"Know Thyself"

A much more resolute

Maxim from antiquity

The Delphic maxim referred to so in

Pythia

What do I know other than tantric meetings

Fleeting moments predisposed distraction

Look about the urban jungle's fraction

My sexual urges are entreating

To have but a single dipthong of lust

Following a LinkedIn classified ad

More bets I could hedge unjustified dad

Amidst conjoined particles of hip thrust

Rancid Astophil 8

My 苏州 sweetheart responded to me

Each slight vibration poured with excitement

Followed by a dispairing inditement

I scrambled to pick up the phone with glee

What craziness is overcoming me

When these last few weeks pleasure's lust I knew

Meeting kissing and cuddling a few

I am now shadow of former glory

I met somebody I like I suppose

For whom which I cannot now predispose

Feeling like I'm twenty yet this today

A sad confused young adult meets a girl

He cannot presuppose what will unfurl

But he knows it won't be like yesterday

Rancid Astrophil 7

That god damned waiting game -- kills every time
To sit by the phone, waiting for that text
When despite tearless heart's aorta flexed
My own self-worth was quartered for a dime

And the testing days of uneasy rest
Came to a close after many lost hours
And thoughts of thoughts without female powers
To mend my bleeding heart with nestling nest

Shove up the day you ridiculous whiny baby
Forget all these pathetic things
Forget that you have no tooth or nail
To claw bites at serpentine servant's sweet tongue

 Kill the feelings of respite
And follow the bear into the night

Rancid Astrophil 6

That bitterless not ssweet taste o' divine
A putrid rock in cheek see not the damned
But lucidly makes boastful, fistful, words hammed
That lord of the flies is not truly swine

The effort last ditched in place perfect pitch
Fruitless nights of ποιέω in cafe
Finding no Sylvan words for beings fae
Discovering days withheld of the bitch

Moonlit horrors' tumultuless fever
Weights not the least dense of my worst days' day
Festering stones in tongueless cheeks don't pray
That the Sun hoists days as with moon's lever

The Poetic gesture of my own night
Is that I will be forgotten in spite.

Rancid Astrophil 5

When the robin in my eye had stood
A loaded gun -- looking, hearing, feeling
She flew away but I flew first, kneeling
Needing only that one finest for good

How than I had stood so far chained in yoke
Reined into me -- I never know least known
Upon my dew dropped glowing valley thrown
Visage -- Venusian than Vesuvian spoke

Said she 'pon I -- never had I known one so...
Quite like you -- familiar tones I hear
From other fails of lust droning, on go

And in so much had I but daring, dear
To look once at the face of my angel
Never known, never known, I but never knew her

Rancid Astrophil 4

I just threw a memento in the trash
One of those "I love you" journals
Half filled memories of haberdash
Circumstantial wherewithal

I love her not; no longer at all
Says broken hearted I, with thoughts of lash
To remain cool through an out fall
Expecting too much from minds of rash

Have another drink, princess
Next weekend you'll do it once more
Asking me to chauffeur you from your tinder date

Who, after all, wants life without awkwardness
For then you would be a bore
But not for your angry desires to sate

Rancid Astrophil 3

Star-crossed lover lost his chance
To make amend for lusts's lost dance
A one-two punch carried on balance
Boxer's grace -- harried electron's valance

Meaningful/meaningless, ditch your words
Frightful matchless, hitched up swords
Hacking away at visceral pain
Making a slay of hearts in vain

Acrophobic enemy of the state
Of knowingless gaze's gate
The darling known not in my eye
The starling speaks that those who cry

Shan't ever spy the leerless one
Faceless he whose visage run

Rancid Astrophil 2

Twilight breaks through dusks' hollow star
Bright young Aldeberan husks shallows afar
On star scorched shores of possibility
On those farthest moors of tranquility

Radiant cinders and ash most putrid
Daringest lingering and thoughts acrid
Glaring through pungent telescopes
Taking stock of forgotten last hopes

Giant red star, homonculous
Differences vastly homologous
Kissing new lusts' fair
Limbs weaving affair

The one affair that mattered never had
The bulging stars' tattered fever sad

Bright in His Wonders

Lights rake city streets
Cool wind moons beam down rays
Brightly he wonders

What never was

Rancid Astrophil 1

Bitter, rancid Noxious heart

This day doth dream a better start

Poor man's bluff makes truer volley

Of a man's rough choices foley

Decisions made never least true

Paid for later with trembling few

Mightiest a few societally unbound

In the cult of perfection I so drowned

Having once heard I carry you in my heart

I never looked twice at my failed start

Dating apps fill a void so I am defined

Pleasure in tinder meetings oh refined

But a dark dream throws me askew

A nightmarish though of romance anew.

waking from a bad dream

I let the day get away,

Unrequited desire,

Lost for a shotgun marriage of hearts

我想要靠近她

我希望。。。

I let sweet love's lost

Lust away,

Thinking throughout time

To a thought's last spark.

Always thinking,

Always trying to forget.

She was there.

我想。。。

Too late, 

too god damned fucking late

Awake from 7 AM's

Nightmare slumbers.

About she who never was

I don't know if she ever will be.

But I hope.

I am rattled.

Disraught. Totally disheveled.

What do I do?

Our Pictures

We still live together, and even share the same bed. We're in that awkward phase where we are still co-dependent for the time being. Wounds are fresh, and thoughtful tears are intermittent.

It's not going to work out between us, and it breaks my heart to admit it.

The possibility of patching things up is there (or was there), and as difficult as it is, when I look at our photos, or photos of you, and see all the things that I want in my life, I have to ask myself the question "is it worth it?" Although, I don't WANT to feel like I'm closing a chapter in a book, but rather, that our story is worth continuing, the answer to that question seems to be a hesitant "no." In all my heart, you are the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And when I look at your face, my blurred vision reminds me that that is what I want. I don't ever want to stop seeing your face that way -- I don't ever want to stop looking at you, and seeing things that other people can't see. Five years with you was a lottery of happiness that has forever changed me as a person -- even through the hard times; and there have been many hard times of late.

I want to stand from tabletops, roofs, and mountains, and cry out "I love you!" But what would it accomplish? Three more months of trying, and failing? Or perhaps three more years?

Five years... it's been five years, that have gone by far too quickly. My own parents, dated, married, had children and separated in less time than we have been living together as a couple. My dad, was scarred so profoundly, in a way that seems to have affected him for life, while my mom was also affected negatively in her own way by the separation. I know that I can be resilient, through these times, and do what needs to be done. Even if it is so difficult to see something that I want more than anything, so close within reach, and know that it's not worth it. We would never be able to work out our differences, and in and of itself that makes me feel great sadness... considering how close we have been these past five years.

I don't know what happens next, but I know that the grown up thing to do is to hold no animosity over what was lost, and to leave things on as positive a note as possible. I don't want the pictures we've taken together to be marred, or disfigured by negative feelings. I want to be able to look at them, and I want to feel like it's okay for me to cry, without resenting what is gone from my life.

I nub you bao bao. I hope that a part of me will always love you. Now, when I see your pictures, and the stream of salty tears meets my lips, I know that what we had -- what we have -- is a very rare thing for anybody to experience. However, it's time for us to stop making pictures together. It's time for us to start new.